Catching Up

It's been a while since I've posted -- okay, a long while. Picture a kaliedescope of images swirling past -- fast forward though holidays, work, milestones, illness, just life in general -- a blur of realities bringing us to this moment. And here we are. Back in the present. (That was my movie fast forward through everything that happened since my last post.)

Today was a nice day. I got to have some "me" time. I was going to see a movie, but nothing sounded appealing, so instead I went to the bookstore and read a book while I ate my lunch. Then I went shopping. It is so much easier to shop without my son. He's actually a pretty good shopper most of the time, but without him there, I don't have to worry about hurrying, or what he needs, or where the bathroom might be. (Okay, I still need the bathroom for me, but you know what I mean.) Of course, I also had some mother inspired guilt and bought him a present, especially after my sister called and said he wasn't feeling well.

Holiday Stress

Why is it that the holidays are so stressful? This is supposed to be a time of giving. A time to celebrate. I have my Christmas shopping done, my cards sent, my cookies baked, yet I have this vague sense of unease that there is something I need to do. Something I need, to make sure this is the best holiday ever -- but I don't know what it is. Maybe I'm looking for things in other people that I will never find. Maybe I will never find them because I don't have it either? I know I mourn for Christmas' past with my Grandma and Grandpa and a fabulous Christmas Eve celebration. I miss the excitement of opening gifts that I really want, no need to have in order to survive. Maybe I've lost the yearning for specific things that allows me to experience this? I miss the excitement of going to bed on Christmas Eve and knowing you have to go to sleep, but being so excited that you can barely sleep, and just when it seems like sleep will never come, the next thing you know it's Christmas morning. One of my favorite parts of Christmas was being the first one awake. My Mom gave me a time -- 7:00, I believe, that I was allowed to wake her up. I was up much earlier than that, just waiting, by myself, sneaking in to look at the clock, but never peeking at the tree. And really I never did, even though the tree was not too far from the table with the clock on it. I can remember the anticipation building. I can remember the dark and quiet of the house as I silently waited. There was magic in the air. A few minutes before time, I would wake up my sister, then we would be excited together and go wake up my mother. We had to wait in the bedroom until she got up and went into the living room and lit up the tree, then we were allowed to come out and see what Santa brought us. It was never much, but is was always enough. Maybe now we give each other to many things and not enough of ourselves?

Fall Colors: Better Late Than Never

The leaves are finally starting to change colors. They are about a week behind normal, maybe even a little more. It's really beautiful right now. Lots of reds, oranges, yellows and greens. Now we just need the weather to get into fall mode and cool down a little.

New Path

These are the first days of my life on a new path. I quit my old job and am now embracing my new life as a mother and small business owner. I thought I would miss my old job, but I don't. I want to get a report on the person who replaced me, but I have no desire to go back.

Our business is doing very well. I wish I could take all of the credit for the growth, but there were several things put into motion earlier, as well as the awesome weather we had. Still, I like to think a small part of it was me. At least I won't have to worry so much this year about financial issues.

Part of the new path also involved a make over. I got a new hair cut, had a spa day and bought some new clothes.

Another part is the letting go side. I'm having a huge yard sale and getting rid of lots of stuff.

Time to turn over a new leaf, so to speak.

Cleaning House with Goals

I just started reviewing my life goals. It seems like some of the things were out of date -- like start a family (my son is 2 and half) and some things were completed long ago. I think I updated my goals at one point, but they must not have made it to the current goals file I can find. I think it's important to have goals, but they so often seem to get lost in the every day living of life. Which is more important -- moving in the "right" direction towards the future, or just living your life as it comes? I can see that on my list there were many things I did, many things that I thought were important, but didn't do, and then a whole host of things that didn't get done, but are still on the list. Now I have to sort out in mind these goals and how they fit the current me. Maybe I need to clean house, like on all those home improvement shows -- I have to go through each goal and see if I should "KEEP" "DISCARD" or "SELL" it. I'm not sure what the equivalent of selling your goal would be, but I could certainly use the keep and discard piles. That makes a nice mental picture -- going through your goals and heaping them into piles by whether we should keep them or not. On all of those shows after you think you have your keep pile, they make you go through it again and get rid of most of the stuff you thought you should keep. Interesting thought for goals. Maybe I will need an outside party to look through my goals with me and see if I'm keeping them for sentimental reasons or just want to have it so I feel important. I'm usually pretty good and paring down my physical resources, but I think I will have a tougher time on the goals front.

Happy Anniversary to Me

It is my 14th wedding anniversary today. It seems so hard to beleive that someone who never thought they would get married has been married for fourteen years. I can still remeber that day very clearly. At this time I would have been upstairs at my in-laws house getting ready and looking out the window as chairs are being wiped down (from the very light rain shower) and the few early people start arriving. My mothers, my sisters, my cousin and I are all laughing and taking pictures and sneaking little bits of food here and there. The day seemed to pass so quickly. I remeber walking around the porch and down the aisle with my father. I remember looking at my soon to be husband as we stood in front of friends and family as sweat poured down his face (it was already getting hot, even in the morning.) I remember my mother reading a poem and trying not to cry. I remember my sister-in-law holding my little neice in her arms. I remember my Grandma and Grandpa and all of my family smiling in the sun. I remember watching my sisters and cousin walking back up the aisle to the porch, then all of standing in line as everyone passed through. I couldn't stop smiling. I don't remember all of the words that were spoken, but I remember all of the love and support. It's amazing I can remember it so well after so many years.

Post This

Just need to vent a little bit. The weather is great and I don't feel like enjoying it. I'm here inside avoiding doing anything useful or fun or whatever. Instead I'm fooling around online. Maybe I haven't been getting enough "me" time? I don't know.