Catching Up

It's been a while since I've posted -- okay, a long while. Picture a kaliedescope of images swirling past -- fast forward though holidays, work, milestones, illness, just life in general -- a blur of realities bringing us to this moment. And here we are. Back in the present. (That was my movie fast forward through everything that happened since my last post.)

Today was a nice day. I got to have some "me" time. I was going to see a movie, but nothing sounded appealing, so instead I went to the bookstore and read a book while I ate my lunch. Then I went shopping. It is so much easier to shop without my son. He's actually a pretty good shopper most of the time, but without him there, I don't have to worry about hurrying, or what he needs, or where the bathroom might be. (Okay, I still need the bathroom for me, but you know what I mean.) Of course, I also had some mother inspired guilt and bought him a present, especially after my sister called and said he wasn't feeling well.

Holiday Stress

Why is it that the holidays are so stressful? This is supposed to be a time of giving. A time to celebrate. I have my Christmas shopping done, my cards sent, my cookies baked, yet I have this vague sense of unease that there is something I need to do. Something I need, to make sure this is the best holiday ever -- but I don't know what it is. Maybe I'm looking for things in other people that I will never find. Maybe I will never find them because I don't have it either? I know I mourn for Christmas' past with my Grandma and Grandpa and a fabulous Christmas Eve celebration. I miss the excitement of opening gifts that I really want, no need to have in order to survive. Maybe I've lost the yearning for specific things that allows me to experience this? I miss the excitement of going to bed on Christmas Eve and knowing you have to go to sleep, but being so excited that you can barely sleep, and just when it seems like sleep will never come, the next thing you know it's Christmas morning. One of my favorite parts of Christmas was being the first one awake. My Mom gave me a time -- 7:00, I believe, that I was allowed to wake her up. I was up much earlier than that, just waiting, by myself, sneaking in to look at the clock, but never peeking at the tree. And really I never did, even though the tree was not too far from the table with the clock on it. I can remember the anticipation building. I can remember the dark and quiet of the house as I silently waited. There was magic in the air. A few minutes before time, I would wake up my sister, then we would be excited together and go wake up my mother. We had to wait in the bedroom until she got up and went into the living room and lit up the tree, then we were allowed to come out and see what Santa brought us. It was never much, but is was always enough. Maybe now we give each other to many things and not enough of ourselves?

Fall Colors: Better Late Than Never

The leaves are finally starting to change colors. They are about a week behind normal, maybe even a little more. It's really beautiful right now. Lots of reds, oranges, yellows and greens. Now we just need the weather to get into fall mode and cool down a little.

New Path

These are the first days of my life on a new path. I quit my old job and am now embracing my new life as a mother and small business owner. I thought I would miss my old job, but I don't. I want to get a report on the person who replaced me, but I have no desire to go back.

Our business is doing very well. I wish I could take all of the credit for the growth, but there were several things put into motion earlier, as well as the awesome weather we had. Still, I like to think a small part of it was me. At least I won't have to worry so much this year about financial issues.

Part of the new path also involved a make over. I got a new hair cut, had a spa day and bought some new clothes.

Another part is the letting go side. I'm having a huge yard sale and getting rid of lots of stuff.

Time to turn over a new leaf, so to speak.

Cleaning House with Goals

I just started reviewing my life goals. It seems like some of the things were out of date -- like start a family (my son is 2 and half) and some things were completed long ago. I think I updated my goals at one point, but they must not have made it to the current goals file I can find. I think it's important to have goals, but they so often seem to get lost in the every day living of life. Which is more important -- moving in the "right" direction towards the future, or just living your life as it comes? I can see that on my list there were many things I did, many things that I thought were important, but didn't do, and then a whole host of things that didn't get done, but are still on the list. Now I have to sort out in mind these goals and how they fit the current me. Maybe I need to clean house, like on all those home improvement shows -- I have to go through each goal and see if I should "KEEP" "DISCARD" or "SELL" it. I'm not sure what the equivalent of selling your goal would be, but I could certainly use the keep and discard piles. That makes a nice mental picture -- going through your goals and heaping them into piles by whether we should keep them or not. On all of those shows after you think you have your keep pile, they make you go through it again and get rid of most of the stuff you thought you should keep. Interesting thought for goals. Maybe I will need an outside party to look through my goals with me and see if I'm keeping them for sentimental reasons or just want to have it so I feel important. I'm usually pretty good and paring down my physical resources, but I think I will have a tougher time on the goals front.

Happy Anniversary to Me

It is my 14th wedding anniversary today. It seems so hard to beleive that someone who never thought they would get married has been married for fourteen years. I can still remeber that day very clearly. At this time I would have been upstairs at my in-laws house getting ready and looking out the window as chairs are being wiped down (from the very light rain shower) and the few early people start arriving. My mothers, my sisters, my cousin and I are all laughing and taking pictures and sneaking little bits of food here and there. The day seemed to pass so quickly. I remeber walking around the porch and down the aisle with my father. I remember looking at my soon to be husband as we stood in front of friends and family as sweat poured down his face (it was already getting hot, even in the morning.) I remember my mother reading a poem and trying not to cry. I remember my sister-in-law holding my little neice in her arms. I remember my Grandma and Grandpa and all of my family smiling in the sun. I remember watching my sisters and cousin walking back up the aisle to the porch, then all of standing in line as everyone passed through. I couldn't stop smiling. I don't remember all of the words that were spoken, but I remember all of the love and support. It's amazing I can remember it so well after so many years.

Post This

Just need to vent a little bit. The weather is great and I don't feel like enjoying it. I'm here inside avoiding doing anything useful or fun or whatever. Instead I'm fooling around online. Maybe I haven't been getting enough "me" time? I don't know.

LIttle Annoyances

Why does it seem that the littlest of things can set off a normal every day occurrence and make it into World War III? Speaking of World War's they just had in the news an story about the last WWI veterans still living. One is from Ohio and is 108. There was a quote from his 85 year old daughter. It seems very surreal to think about how long he has lived and how many changes he has seen. I wonder what his one piece of advice would be for the world. What has he experienced that his shaped his world -- what is his contribution? Maybe mine should be to not get quite so annoyed at all those little things. Easier said than done, of course.

My top 10 Little Annoyances (In no particular order)
1. Trimming your nails with a knife.
2. Whining and complaining about things you can't change.
3. Whining and complaining about things you could change, but don't.
4. People who aren't open to hear the other point of view.
5. Books being treated badly.
6. Chocolate being under appreciated.
7. Never getting to go to the bathroom uninterrupted.
8. Getting caught up in a good book and staying up way to late, then having to be coherent at work the next day. (But it's usually worth it.)
9. People who outbid me in the last minute on an eBay auction.
10. Toilet paper on the roll the wrong way.

What are yours? Those little (or not so little) things that get under your skin?

I fear I should log out now, so I can go read a book -- but, oh no, I won't stay up too late. I have to be in early tomorrow.

Shopping as an Altruistic Activity

What can I say, I've been out there living life and haven't had time to write about it. Okay, really I've just discovered something else to do on the computer and my Internet connection is slow, so it has consumed all of my time. I've discovered eBay. Yes, I know what you're thinking -- she's addicted to shopping -- well, you would be right. Only, I already was, this just means I don't have to leave the house to do it. This could be extremely dangerous for someone with my anti-social tendencies, but fortunately, or unfortunately as the case may be, it isn't quite the same thing as shopping in person. But now I can have the thrill of the hunt right here in my own home. I can also get rid of all those things I don't want anymore and then use the money to buy new stuff. I'm trying to keep the amount spend about even with the amount sold. It's working so far.

It amazes me the things you can find, and sell on eBay. I put up some DVD's thinking I'd get a dollar or two and they sold for eight. It's also fun to just look around and see what other people are buying and selling. If I had the time (and better that dial up) I could get lost just browsing through the offerings. At first it seems like a daunting task -- there are so many possibilities, where to begin? But once you get into it, it leads you from one place to the next, then eBay starts giving you ideas and recommendations (like any good shopping site that wants you to keep shopping.) Pretty soon you're bidding on a lot of 50 doorknobs and don't remember even having that many doors once the glaze of addiction fades and reality sets in.

My husband thinks I'm addicted and is on a first name basis with the UPS man. He got mad at him for driving on our new concrete, but where else was he supposed to go? Me, I now having a speaking relationship with the Postmaster of our small local post office. (See, it's even expanding my social network.) Between eBay and my book swap site it seems like I'm single handedly keeping the post office in business. I'll bet the post office loves the advent of online shopping and exchange sites. Maybe they'll think about that before the next rate increase. Sure everyone is (okay, my Grandmother will never do it, but most everyone else is) using email instead of sending letters. But once you get through the email inquiries, there is the final exchange through the US Mail or some other carrier. They should be grateful. Think of all those lovely packages stacked up and waited to be sorted and delivered from one end of the country to the other.

There you go -- I have now logically connected shopping and supporting the government. (This didn't even include all those shopping indexes, sales tax, and jobs supported by shopping.) We're expanding our horizons, touching people from across the country and around the world. Pretty soon the world will be one mall with no boundaries, the only wars will be price wars, the only conflicts will come when there aren't enough Coach handbags, or scrapbook paper with sailboats, or diamond earrings for everyone. But then there will be substitutions, people will benefit from war and conflict by getting a good deal -- the ultimate goal of any shopper.

Waves Ashore

It's funny how you can forget how strong the pull of a wave on the beach is, or how cold that first shock of water is when you dip in that first toe or foot, and heaven forbid the shock if you go in slowly and it finally reaches your warm core. I find I am slow to go in if everyone else rushes in, but rush in myself when everyone else is screaching and carrying on about how cold it is. I was standing on the beach in Destin, Florida last week (see picture) and my foot was shifting further and further down into the sand. I wondered how long it would take to bury a person, if that was possible, just standing there and not resisting the downward tug of the waves and sand. I walked along the beach and let my footprints be washed away by the waves. There's something nice in being able to leave no trace of your passing. It also makes you stop and think about how small you are, how little effect you have on the continuous processes of our planet.

Fall Colors

The leaves are changing early this year. It's already beautiful. Today we took a walk and found red leaves, yellow leaves, orange leaves, and a few still green leaves. We also found some bugs and mushrooms and a salamander. We looked for deer scrapes and other deer signs. We heard birds and crickets and toads. The dogs expored further afield and found a great big mud puddle that the humans in the group decided to avoid. Especially since it turned the dogs' feet black. When we came back I flopped in the hammock and watched the sun through the leaves.

Feeling Lazy

It's nearing the end of summer and I'm feeling lazy. I, of course, have things I should be doing, but I just don't quite feel up to it. Maybe in a few minutes, maybe next week, who knows? It seems like the rest of my time is plotted out until I start back to school, but there are free blocks where I should be getting things done (like now) when I am not getting anything much done. Oh, well. Maybe part of the problem of having a summer list is my still childish notion that summer is for vacation time. Whatever. I've enjoyed the summer with swimming, trip to great places, visiting friends and family, Mule rides and just lazing around. Z and I often take a morning Mule ride, and sometimes when my husband gets home in the evening we'll all take another ride. (My son loves his rides, especially the mower.) (The Mule, by the way, is a four wheel vehichle with a bench seat so we can all ride.) When I'm really feeling lazy I like to relax in the hammock -- the picture is a view from my hammock. Pretty soon it will be back to school and getting all kinds of work done and dealing with students and all that fun stuff that comes along with being a teacher. Can you tell, I'm not quite ready to go back yet?

Finally A New Post

You would think I'd have more time to post now that I'm on break for the summer, but the reverse seems to be true, since it's been months and months since I last posted. It's finally not scorchingly, awfully hot here. It was actually quite nice stepping out onto the porch this morning and breathing in a breath of fresh air. Last night before the heat broke I was standing by the screen door watching my son and the waves of heat coming in the door felt like blasts froma furnace. I remember thinking, if it were winter, this would feel good. But it wasn't and it didn't. You know it's hot when you lie on the hammock with the sprinkler alternately sprinkling you and the lawn and you get hot again before the sprinkler comes back to you. If you couldn't tell, I'm not a big fan of it being hot outside. I would much rather be cold than hot. Enough about that.

I was thinking the other day about a story I wanted to write. I tend to think big -- long stories, novels, series, etc... In reality I don't have time to do this, so I thought, well how about if I just write part of it -- start small -- make it a short story, then work from there. So I'm going to give it a try. I'll let you know how it goes.

My son is growing fast -- it's hard to beleive. He talks up a storm and loves to be outside exploring. Mostly this is a good thing. Not so good when he goes wandering off from the yard or chases a bird down the path into the woods. Right now he is also enamored with berries. Every time we go out in the yard he wants to go for a ride and hunt for berries. And let me tell you, he lets you know if sees some, especially if you are trying to sneak past and get back home without stopping.

Trees are in flower

It was such a beautiful day today. I count myself lucky that I live in such a beautiful area -- that I can enjoy the beauty and wonder of nature right in my own back yard, or front yard as the case may be.
The landscape picture is a view from my front porch. The other is a close up of leaves just beginning to emerge. I wish I could add the smell. It's a wonderful mix of flowers that is so fragrant and refreshing. Flowering in the picture are dogwood and hawthorn (or crab apple if you prefer.) There are many others in smelling distance though. I think the hawthorn is strongest right now, with the viburnum a close second. And that's just the flowering trees. I could wax on a much longer, but I will contain myself.

Long Day

I had a very long day today. I left the house at 7:30 a.m. and didn't get back until 8:30 p.m. Luckily my son wasn't asleep yet, so I got te see him for a few minutes when I got home. I spent all this time at work and it seems like I didn't get much done. Or rather it seems like I was trying to fix problems all day rather than doing something productive. Oh, well, such is life sometimes.

I'm feeling restless tonight. Not sure what I want to do, but not satisfied with what I am doing. There's a load of laundry calling my name, but I'm not listening. Maybe it's the need to do at least one productive thing in a day. Maybe it's sitting through one too many meetings? The day ticks on and still nothing. I guess I'll listen to the call of the laundry. What an exciting life I lead.

Typing w/1 Hand

Baby is asleep on my arm. Hard to type with one hand when used to two. Baby is finally feeling better. He's back to his normal full of vim and vinegar self. Today is our fun day -- after he wakes up. Maybe the park? It's a wonderful day. There will be no mention of to do lists or messy offices (although I did put in some laundry and straighten up when he was in his crib.)

Job Quandry

It's been a busy few weeks. And now I have something big to think about. I have to decide whether I want to change what I'm doing or stay the same, more or less, job wise. The big quandry -- do I want to stay a teacher, or do I want to move into administration? My big worry is that it will not keep changing the way teaching does -- it seems like to has the potential to do that. The other concern -- this will be a real job, where I will have to work normal hours all year long and my son will have to go into daycare. I just can't decide yet.

Rainy Day Musings

My son is sleeping and its rainy. What better time to do nothing? Okay posting is not nothing. It is a way to free myself from some of the things floating around in my mind. Do you ever feel like there are so many things in there that you may never get to see them all? I used to release this pent up feeling of things exploding in my brain by writing, but now I don't have the time. I have so many things going on, so many things to do, and these things pile more stuff into my brain, it's a wonder I haven't cracked up. If you ever see a woman with a blank stare walking down the street it could be -- after the crack up. After everything has exploded out of my mind into the fog around us. Maybe that's why it was so foggy yesterday -- a fog of thoughts and feelings released into the atmosphere. A built up pressure of too much stuff that is finally able to see the light of day, only to dissipate once the sun shines through it. Some thoughts are like that -- once you bring them out in the light of day, once practicality and common sense chime in, they evaporate like the remnants of a dream. Then some day in the far future you read about, or hear about, or see your thought brought to the light again by some other, more persistent visionary, and you think, boy that seems familiar, didn't I ..., but no life is to busy for you to remember those half thoughts. People who lives are slower, more in tune with themselves and everything around them, can go around and spool up all those loose memories. They pull together an unknown and unwitting collaboration of the world's thought detritus and make it into something that no one could conceive.

Futility At Work

Why does it seem like I can never get anything done? I sit down at my desk and find ways to waste time. I would think with my now limited amount of time to do things that I would be a little better at getting things done when I have the chance. As you can see I am now writing here instead of a list of things a mile long I should be doing. I have good intentions, but then I get caught up in something else. At least I haven't resorted to Spider Solitare yet. I usually only get there when I'm just on the Internet and waiting forever for pages to load, or when I'm really procrastinating. I have piles of stuff I need to go through. More piles of studd I need to file. Tax stuff to do. Bills to pay. Argh! Just thinking of it is making me want to crack out the solitare game. It also happens to be nice and sunny, if a bit chilly outside. But my son is sleeping, so I should take advantage of this time to get things done that I can't do when he's around. He likes to mess up the piles I have on the floor. Sometimes he will wander off with something, and I'll find a printer cable or the stamp dispenser in the living room. If you can't tell from the picture, I also was feeling ambitious while out shopping yesterday and decided to try my hand at scrapbooking. We'll see how that goes. Okay, now I'm really going to get something done.

Musings

I had a fun weekend with my husband and son. We took a get away, just an hour away in Columbus. We went to COSI and out to dinner and did a little shopping. It was nice just to be away from everything, even if we were only gone for one day.

I was reading some other people's posts today, and mine don't seem nearly so exciting, and they tend to be much shorter. I don't really care, it's more a comment than anything. It's just nice to have a place to jot down a few thoughts and maybe hear back from a few people. It's kind of cool in a way to be able to listen in on the thoughts of someone you know nothing about and who could be anywhere in the world.